Monday, December 22, 2008

Hide and go seek

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

My first "boyfriend"

I didn't really have a lot going on after Brandy. A couple of short lived middle school girlfriends. Then in eighth grade, I met a guy named Brad. If there was a guy I had any kind of real thing with, it was Brad. By now, I was a little more ... ok with what was going on. I had had time to reflect on the previous experiences and was just starting to get comfortable with it being part of who I am.

He had transferred in from another school and didn't seem to be making friends very easily, but he and I hit it off. He would come over to the house and we would walk the streets late at night with my brother and the other neighbor kids... generally causing trouble. Anyway, as we were walking, his hand sort of brushed against my leg a couple times. He was staying the night and when we got home, everyone was asleep.

He was laying next to me in my bed (yeah... didn't think anything of it at the time lol). We were talking and somehow the topic turned to girlfriends and then sex. Neither of us had ever been with a girl. I let my hand brush against his leg for just a second. We talked some more and I felt his hand brush my leg. We talked some more and I just came out with it and asked him if her ever thought he could have a relationship with another guy. His immediate response was "with you".

About three seconds later, my hand was on his crotch. He was hard as a rock. An instant later, his hand was on mine and we were rubbing each other. We both kept rubbing until we came in our pajamas pants. We fell asleep shortly after. Neither of us even bothered to change our pants.

Looking back, it was pretty risky because there was no door on my bedroom and my bed was right next to the door. My parent's room was only a few feet away but they always kept their door closed.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Brandy... My first real girlfriend.... my first kiss.

I was in sixth grade and found myself with a crush on a girl named Amanda. She was a friend of a friend and well out of my league, but I would go to her soft ball games down at the little league park and talk to her after the game. I asked her many times to go out and she always politely declined. One day, I wound up meeting up with her at a house where she was babysitting. She was content to be friends and invited me to stop by.

When I got there, I met her cousin, Brandy who was 2 years younger than me but was held back in first grade so she was in fourth grade. I thought she was really cute. I got her phone number and we talked several times and before long, she was my girlfriend. Amanda was surprised that I had given up on her and told me she was actually thinking about saying yes to me. Oh well.

Fast forward, I walked over to Amanda's house one day to see Brandy (she lived on the other side of town so I only got to see her when she visited her cousin). We talked out in her back yard and when it came time to say goodbye, we decided we both wanted to kiss... it was our first frech kiss, for either of us. Of course, we didn't really know what we were doing at all and as kisses go, we were probably terrible at it lol but at the time, it was amazing. I walked home feeling giddy and light headed. I loved her as much as an 11 year old could. Unfortunately, we later broke up after she found out I was also seeing a friend of hers named Alicia. I never even kissed the girl or did anything more than talk on the phone. It was just one of those silly "will you go with me" things that kids do. I felt terrible and sometimes, I still think about Brandy and that kiss. Yeah.... I messed that one up. I missed her terribly.

Friday, December 19, 2008

My first sexual interest in a girl


Up to this point in my life, my sexual resume consisted of sexual experiences with a few different boys  throughout elementary school. By the time I was in sixth grade, the opportunities to explore with other boys slowed down to an unfortunate halt.

As a result, I began masturbating on a daily basis, usually more than once... But no boys... And still no girls. Sure, I'd had "girlfriends" in the "will you go with me? Circle yes or no" sense. As if that ever counted for anything. Nothing serious. Certainly nothing physical. There was a girl who lived down the street from me who I had this HUGE crush on. She was two years younger than me and the crush started at 8 years old. She was the first girl I was ever interested in and was also to be the girl I would give my virginity to and ultimately, the one I would marry. But up to this point, sexual interest in girls I knew had not even entered my mind.

I never thought of myself as gay. I had no concept of the word bisexual. I was just me. I was way too shy to ask the girl down the street out. My brother and I had earned a bit of a reputation as trouble makers in the neighborhood, mostly for his part, and she was too much of a good girl to be with someone like that so I just became satisfied with daydreaming of her and watching her play out in the yard from my own yard.

I ended up joining a church youth group in sixth grade. Ironically, that was where my first sexual interest in a girl began. An "older woman" from my perspective, she was in highschool. Her name was Jennifer. She's the first girl that made my dick stand up. Cheerleader. She went on to be Homecoming Queen. Way out of my league, of course. I guess the first ones usually are.

There are a lot of people out there with a lot of different fetishes. I often wonder if they know exactly how their fetishes started. I find women's feet to be a turn on... but I do not have a full blown fetish for them. It's fun to lick my wife's soles or suck on her toes or lie back and enjoy a good foot job... but it's not quite a fetish for me. What I am into are a woman's socked feet and shoes... especially tennis shoes. I know exactly how that began. It was all thanks to Jennifer.

We were in the main hall of the building where we had gone for our church retreat. Everyone was pretty much doing their own thing. I was the shy, nerdy type and didn't know anyone so I just sat there and watched television and listened to other people's conversation... the typical stuff. I had never looked at Jennifer, or any girl for that matter... including the girl who lived down the street that I had such a crush on, in any sexual manner. I wasn't repulsed by girls or suppressing anything... it just never happened that I had been in a situation where I looked at a girl like that with the obvious exception of pictures and magazines.

I looked up and Jennifer was sitting on the floor, just inside the carpeted area in front of me, as we all gathered to go over the agenda for our day and I looked down to see that she had kicked off her shoes. She was sitting with her legs bent and out to her side and for some reason, I just couldn't stop looking at her feet. Her socks were so bright, you'd have thought she picked them up off the set of a Tide commercial... her toes twitched here and there as we all listened to the youth pastor talking. I realized I was hard as a rock... I was horny. Not 60 seconds after the meeting was over, I had cum in the toilet 10 feet from where she sat.

Even now, a woman with plain white cotton socks and no shoes just turns me on... and since then, the fetish has grown somehow to include shoes. I can get completely aroused just walking through the shoe department in the mall. They don't even have to be on the woman's feet. I don't know what it is... the funny thing is, for so long I thought I was unique... but the internet has a fantastic way of opening people up... there are hundreds of people into it. Sure, it's a smaller group than what many fetishes enjoy... but it's still nice not to be alone.

On occasion, when I masturbate... playing with a pair of my wife's socks from the laundry pile... I think about Jennifer and those sexy little feet.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The other half...

In the other half of the double across the street was a boy named Keith. Keith and I became friends quickly and I would often go over to his house to play Star Wars on Atari. He had the 7800 and we had the 2600 so we were always going back and forth.

One time when he was over at my house, we were playing in the basement and there were these huge carpeted pillows... we were laying on them. I don't remember at all how it started except to say that I do know I made the first move... I remember asking him if he was gay. I remember him saying no. Somehow we went on from there and ended up in nothing but our white undies. I was laying on top of him and we were dry humping... rubbing our hard dicks together with only a couple thin layers of fabric between them. I loved the way it felt obviously, but I really also remember enjoying how good it felt to feel my bare chest pressed against his, with my arms wrapped around behind his back, my face nestled against his neck, and my hands up on his shoulders so I could pull and pull myself up and down as much as I thrust with my hips and thighs. The orgasms were amazing.

I didn't understand at all what was going on with my body when I felt them... the words I always used in my head as it was happening was that was the point we were "getting to each other". I loved doing it and feeling it. My first orgasms with another person were with Keith. He was a couple years older than me so looking back I am surprised he never ejaculated. He should have been at the right age, I would think... but I guess he was late bloomer maybe.

We probably did this on a dozen different occasions. I remember kissing his shoulders and neck a few times and once I kissed him on the lips. I really liked him a lot but of course never could say the words... partly because I was for some stupid reason afraid it would mean he might think I was gay... as though grinding my dick against his didn't already send the message. It's funny the things we are afraid of or the things we rationalize... especially when we are confused and growing up.

I told a friend in an email only yesterday that I didn't think I could see myself in an emotional relationship with another man... but as I type this I realize that isn't true. I did have feelings for Keith... I just didn't understand them and was afraid to explore them. More accurately, I can not see myself in an emotional relationship with a guy as a generalization... if I met the right guy, I could see that potential coming out. It did with Keith.

He emailed me not too long ago... found me through a website we were both on... we've chatted. We had a bad falling out before he moved ... probably both of us trying to deal with our own guilt and shame of someone else knowing our deepest secret... so I was shocked when he emailed me. He's either forgotten or forgiven. I so want to bring up our past and ask if he knew how I had a crush on him or if he even remembers. Maybe I will after a bit of catching up.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Truth or Dare?

Donny, the new neighbor who moved into the double across the street, came over a lot and we soon became really good friends. He was a year or so younger than me, my brother's age, and we would play hide and seek, laser tag, and Nintendo until all hours of the night. We both had Commodore 64 computers and would stay up all night at each others' houses playing video games and eating garlic popcorn.

Before long, truth or dare became the game of choice between Donny, myself, my brother, and the occasional couple of other neighborhood boys, Jesse, Jimmy, or Jamie. The normal themes of course were truth questions about our limited or altogether nonexistent experience with girls and the dares involved nudity of some sort or another. The most popular and recurring dares often involved stripping naked and going outside into the yard in the night, which would inevitably be followed by a door being locked as a flood light was turned on... stripping naked and climbing into a chest... stripping naked and humping any random object be it a floor lamp, pillow, or the leg, bottom, or body of a randomly selected boy. How we managed to do as much as we did and never wake our parents I will never know.

After one such game, we were all staying the night at Donny's house and everyone had started falling asleep. With images of my friends' penises wagging through my mind, I found myself quite unable to sleep. My brother was asleep on the floor of the living room, Jesse had long gone home and Donny was on the couch. I slowly got up off my chair and quietly walked over to the couch and knelt down to see if he was really out. If he was, I planned on sneaking into the bathroom to jack off so I could go to sleep.

I put my hand on his arm and gently shook him. When he did not budge, I whispered his name... still no response. I realized he was a very heavy sleeper and I just could not resist touching my cock while I had my hand on his arm. I pulled it out of my shorts, already hard as I've ever been and lifted his hand and put it on my cock. The heat of his hand felt so good. I let go of his arm and just let his hand sort of hang there resting on my dick. Afraid he would wake up and catch me doing all this, I set everything back to normal just a few moments into it, laying his arm across his body.

As I did so, I realized I could touch him too. And I did. First through his clothes and then I reached up and under the loose leg of his shorts and lightly stroked him through his briefs. He still had not moved or made any sign of waking up... I watched his face intently looking for any sign at all of that changing, not really even thinking through what I would say or do if he did.

I always thought Donny had a bit of a girlish look to his facial features... he had eyelashes that were a little longer than normal and his lips almost looked like he was wearing lipstick even though he wasn't. Without thinking, my hand still in his pants, I leaned forward and kissed him. That did make him stir a little but he did not wake up so I did it again, this time licking his lips a little. My free hand had pulled my hard dick out again.
There I was, on my knees slowly stroking myself with my right hand, my best friend with my left, lips pressed to his, breathing in his breath as he exhaled and feeling him getting hard in his sleep. I grabbed one of his dirty socks from the floor and slipped it over my dick and started pumping myself faster, wishing I had some way to get his dick into my mouth. Afraid of waking him up, I had stopped stroking him and just held my hand still on his hard dick, feeling his balls with the tips of my fingers and lightly pressing my lips into his as I came in his sock.

I cleaned myself up with it and traded it for another dirty sock I had found in his bathroom hamper, kissed him goodnight and finally managed to get to sleep on the chair next to the couch. All the while, my brother lay sleeping a few feet behind us, I had just had an amazing time with my best friend and wished there were some sign he would ever feel the same enough to do more... preferably when he was awake.

While it never happened, I often thought of him when jacking off. When he would stay over at our house, I would sneak his socks and shoes into the bathroom and prop a school picture of him up on the toilet paper holder on the wall and tie my cock up in his shoe laces or hump the floor with my dick in his shoe with his socks tied up against my face with his other laces. Sometimes, I still think about him when I masturbate. Those certainly were very good times.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Good times... and bad

The internet has made porn so accessible that it has almost taken away a lot of what made masturbation so fulfilling... maybe it's that you don't have to use your imagination so much these days or maybe it's just that I'm getting older.

I had this picture I had ripped out of a magazine somewhere... it was a model in a pair of blue jeans, bare foot, and topless. I folded it up and snuck it into the bathroom with me so many times to jack off to. I'd clean myself up with a wad of toilet paper and flush it all down the toilet.



Unfortunately, the world filled our heads back then with a good deal of garbage that ended up causing me so much confusion and heartache. I would be so horny that I could think of nothing all day but coming home and jacking off on the toilet with my pants down around my ankles and the unfolded topless model propped up on the toilet paper holder on the wall. Then after cumming came the enormous feelings of guilt. Thinking that what I had done was, I'd promise to myself never to do it again and in a few days would be back where I was. I was sure at one point that I was going to hell for sure.

Sadly enough, that went on for a good year or more... eventually I resigned myself to give up trying to quit and eventually the guilt faded to a manageable level and soon enough was quiet enough that I learned to ignore it all together. I think a lot of boys probably deal with it. But eventually we learn.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My first cum... oh know!!! Am I gay?

The older kids in the neighborhood always talked about "coming". We... the younger kids... asked what they were talking about and they'd laugh or tease because we didn't know. Eventually they told us it was white stuff that came out of you when you had an orgasm. They would also talk about making women "come" and how you were a real man if you could make a woman do that. We never really heard them talking about boys doing it so we came to the understanding that only women did that.

We had a very large dog house... almost a small barn... attached to our garage in the back yard and sometimes I would sneak in there and lock the dog in the pen outside and jack off. One day, I went back and did so just as I always did. I had my eyes closed and was thinking about Donny, the boy across the street, and as I was reaching that point of orgasm something new happened... white gooey cum started oozing out of the end. I was horrified. I thought I had done something terribly wrong and I remember thinking it meant I was gay because only women did that... as though the biology would have been any different. Funny... it never occurred to me that I might be gay because I liked to play with and suck on other boy's penises. lol Eventually, I figured out it was normal for boys to cum. It's funny looking back, but honestly, at the time it really wasn't funny at all.

First cum... am I gay?

The older kids in the neighborhood always talked about "coming". We... the younger kids... asked what they were talking about and they'd laugh or tease because we didn't know. Eventually they told us it was white stuff that came out of you when you had an orgasm. They would also talk about making women "come" and how you were a real man if you could make a woman do that. We never really heard them talking about boys doing it so we came to the understanding that only women did that.

We had a very large dog house... almost a small barn... attached to our garage in the back yard and sometimes I would sneak in there and lock the dog in the pen outside and jack off. One day, I went back and did so just as I always did. I had my eyes closed and was thinking about Donnie, the boy across the street, and as I was reaching that point of orgasm something new happened... white gooey cum started oozing out of the end. I was horrified. I thought I had done something terribly wrong and I remember thinking it meant I was gay because only women did that... as though the biology would have been any different. Funny... it never occurred to me that I might be gay because I liked to play with and suck on other boy's penises. lol Eventually, I figured out it was normal for boys to cum. It's funny looking back, but honestly, at the time it really wasn't funny at all.

Monday, August 11, 2008

All things must end...

Once school started, we saw Robbie a whole lot less. :(

Staying over on school nights was obviously not aloud and weekends were generally just time at home but we usually went over to my grandparents house on the holidays and so we still got to have some fun now and again. There was a room upstairs that was filled with stuff... they just used it for storage. There was an old mattress that was propped up against one wall and we would sneak behind it and play around when we went over.

As fun as that was, the holidays turned out to be too far between and ultimately, we ended up growing apart and soon enough the fun between us and Robbie came to an end... but my brother and I still had each other and we grew closer for a while there. We used to sneak out to this old car that was parked at the back of our yard and climb inside. One of us would pretend to drive and the other would lay his head in the driver's lap. We masturbated in front of each other and a couple of times I sucked on him and once he sucked me. It felt more wrong than it did with Robbie so it didn't happen as often or for as long.

After that, I learned to take care of myself on a much more regular basis... in bed, in the basement, out in the yard, behind the garage, in the bathroom... anywhere I could.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

He asked me to put it in my mouth...

My cousin Robbie came over to spend the night quite a bit, but as always at some point in the night he would get scared and call our Grandpa to come pick him up. I don't think he ever once did stay the whole night.

One of the times he came over, we were on the floor in my bedroom. The door was closed, but there was no lock. Thinking back, we were pretty risky but it didn't even occur to us really to hide what we were doing more than closing the door. I think I knew what we were doing was "wrong" but I guess that's the extent of the concept of secrecy that you have at that age.

Robbie unzipped his pants and pulled them down and when he didn't start touching himself, I knew by now that he wanted me to do it for him. I reached over to touch his soft penis and before I could, he stopped me and asked if I would suck on it for him. I was absolutely shocked. Looking back, I really wonder where he learned about all this. I was hesitant and he told me that sometimes it hurts and sucking it would make him feel better. He offered to do it to me first and so I pulled down my pajamas and he leaned forward to put it in his mouth. It felt so much better than using my hand. He sucked it for a few minutes. Neither of us were anywhere near puberty and neither had ever even heard of cumming, let alone experienced it.

After he stopped, he asked how it felt and I told him it felt really good. Satisfied, he laid back and told me it was his turn. My heart was beating faster and I was really nervous but I didn't want to be unfair so I leaned forward on my belly and put it in my mouth. I managed to suck a little before the aroma and taste overwhelmed me. I don't remember if I actually threw up, but I remember that I at least thought I was going to. I think after all that playing in the yard and sweating all day, he wasn't as clean as he could have been. That was the end of my first oral experience. He let me use my hand on him instead.

As bad as it tasted, the next time we were together, I wanted to do it again. It was much better that time and I sucked him several times after that over the next couple of summers. I liked how it felt when he did it to me, but I really liked doing it to him and did it far more often than he did to me. When I was alone in bed or the bathroom doing "one man sex" on my own, I tended to daydream about doing that to him more often than not.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Evening Exercise - my first sexual experience

I was about 8 or 9 years old. My younger cousin, Robbie, and his friend "Scooter" came over to play at our house for the day and were planning on staying the night. We were sitting out on the back porch and they were talking about needing to go inside to do their exercises before bed. My brother and I wondered what they were talking about and so we went down into our basement so they could show us.

At this point, both of us were completely naive to any use for our penises except to go to the bathroom, so we were both surprised and curious when our cousin and friend simultaneously dropped their pants in front of us and begin to rub themselves.



I asked why they were doing that and Robbie told us it was an exercise that would make your penis bigger. While I pondered why in the world you would need it to be bigger, he quickly added that it felt really good too. He said it was called "one man sex". With a minimal amount of prodding, my brother and I pulled down our pants and soon enough there were four boys standing with our pants around our ankles watching each other masturbate. I was impressed because I did get a little bigger and harder too. That was the first time I'd ever had, or at least noticed I had, an erection. And he was right. It felt pretty good too. We exercised together on a pretty regular basis after that day.



After we'd done this a few times over the course of the summer, one time Robbie said he was too tired from playing and still needed to do his exercises so he asked if I would do it for him. I didn't see anything wrong with it so I did. It was a lot of fun and soon led to other "exercises" that involved our mouths but that's another story. As it is, I think I need to go do some exercising just about now.